Complications – Part 7
I stare up into Donna’s face as she hovers over me. She’s covered in blood and screaming at how she’s going to kill me. Two guys are holding her back.
The knife in her hand is dripping blood down her arm and onto me. “Donna, please, I’m sorry! I will never do it again! I promise!
I hear the cop cars pull up.
“You better believe you will never do it again, you’re dead!”
“Donna, you’ll go to jail for murder!”
“Whatever!” She brings the knife down directly into my heart and the world turns black!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Velvet Verbosity challenges us to write 100 words using the word “whatever.”
To see the rest of this story, please click here or click on “Fiction – Short Stories” on the right side of page.
Guess you don’t mess with Donna!
I’m thinking in that first paragraph you could think about how to really show this scene rather than tell it. It’s clearly a horrific scene, but I don’t feel the narrator’s emotions enough. Bringing that in would take this up quite a few notches! 🙂
LikeLike
No you don’t mess with Donna, she already took her sister out when she finally realized the final betrayal. The original part was much longer and there were more emotions, but cutting it down to 100 words made me cut out a lot of the better parts so the story sort of made sense on its own. Hence the emotions had to go, but I do agree with you. Thank you for stopping by and for the concrit. 🙂
LikeLike
Whoa!
LikeLike
Whoa came a little late LOL! 🙂 Thank you for stopping by.
LikeLike
I agree with Velvet – but as one reads this – and takes in the title – one has to understand there is a larger story at work, here. Well done, you. And go back and write the longer version. It will be worth the exercise.
LikeLike
Thank you! This is part 7 and most of the parts were written for either Velvet’s prompts or the Friday Fictioneers so they are all small snippets aiming to tell a story in 100 words. Really hard to do. I have all of my serialized stories in their own documents with all the parts and when the spirit moves me I intend to expand them into longer, fuller versions. Thank you for stopping by and the concrit.
LikeLike
You definitely don’t want to make Donna mad. A very intense scene.
LikeLike
Thank you Tara! Donna didn’t think twice before using her knife. 🙂
LikeLike
Well then, Guess she learned her lesson. Great story!
LikeLike
Thank you! Glad you like it! He wasn’t too smart messing with sisters.
LikeLike
Ah, he finally made a promise he could keep: not cheating on her again. Bet he couldn’t have done it without Donna’s help! (I imagine cheating is more difficult when dead, but I wouldn’t know for certain :))
LikeLike
Janna I would guess it would be more difficult while dead myself, but I don’t have that on personal experience LOL! Thank you for stopping by!
LikeLike