Today’s Prompt PHRASE is { if I could write a letter to the past me  . . . . .  }

If I could write a letter to the past me I would say:

Dear Terri (that was my nickname until I started writing and changed it to Tessa)

I know you are confused and scared. You don’t know what is going on. I am your future self and I am here to help you.

You don’t know why months go by and you can’t sleep. You are tired of mom and dad yelling at you to go to bed and GO TO SLEEP! I know you can’t. They don’t understand you. You are growing up in a time where mental illnesses is not talked about so they don’t know what to do about you or how to treat you or that they should have pursued help from a psychiatrist. Especially since after the manic phase passed you would drop into depression. 

You didn’t leave the house unless you were pushed out the front door and made to. That should have been another hint that something was wrong.

Even the fact that one of mom’s relatives committed suicide didn’t make them aware that something was wrong with us. That there was mental illness in our immediate family as well, didn’t make them any the wiser.

When we were just a little kid, a baby, we had to take tranquilizers so we could eat and keep our food down. Our aversion to milk and yogurt is a mental aversion, not physical. 

The older we got the more our anxiety rose and we were afraid to the point of panic attacks. Our parents didn’t understand still. We were so terrified to take our driver’s license test that Dad had to force us. I am glad we got it though, let me tell you that. Maybe it will help you.

We were afraid of crowds of unknown people, we were afraid of the kids at school because we were bullied. They were mean and made fun of our clothes. We didn’t have much money and Mom either made them or bought them at thrift shops. There wasn’t a chance to be like everyone else. So they laughed at us and talked about us. 

The only time we were important to them was if we allowed them to copy our work. We were intelligent and they knew it. They pestered us to let them copy our work for a mock friendship. As soon as we said no, they all went away and back to their old ways. 

We were very intelligent. We passed all those school tests with flying colors. We got straight A’s without studying. We COULD have been Valedictorian if we weren’t so terrified of having to give a speech in front of the whole school. We gave that up for those school bullies. We should have gone for it and shown them we could do it. We should have been proud of who we were. Who needs the “cool” kids anyway. If we had the chance we would do things differently.

Take the chance and make us proud. Show them who was the smartest kid in the class. Don’t hide your intelligence. Let it shine proudly. 

Continue your writing. Don’t let any rejection stop you. When you grow up you will beat these mental illnesses and become a well-read blogger who also writes stories and poems. You will be great some day. Just take the chance.

Love, 

Me (Your future self Tessa)