Helpless

Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?

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I believe that feeling was almost 3 years ago now. I stupidly tried to commit suicide and found myself committed for 9 days. Your life is no longer your life. You do what they say and when they say to do it. Cooperate and they usually leave you alone for the most part. I was terrified and couldn’t sleep after the first day and that med wore off for sleepiness. I was awake all night waving at the tech who did 15 minute bed checks and really expected anyone to sleep. He yelled at me once because I was sitting on the bed and not lying down. I told him I can’t sleep. He could see that since I waved at him every bed check. They wouldn’t give me what would calm me down and help me sleep. They gave me benadryl with a little boost to hopefully put me to sleep. Laugh, joke, not funny.

I eventually learned to tell them what they wanted to hear so they let me out of the hospital and into a partial hospitalization program for 3 full weeks of daytime therapy. My psych meds didn’t work either and now I take something else.