Studio 30 Plus – prompts thankful/beholden

studio30 plus_noncropped_longcross-66700_1920 (2)

I am Beholden

By Tessa Smeigh

copyright 2015

I am beholden to God. God really was my savior. This is a true story.

3 years ago I attempted to take my life. I didn’t know how many pills and alcohol I needed so I drank a full bottle of wine and took a huge handful of pills in addition to my regular nightly load of psychiatric drugs. All I managed to do was end up groggy and super drowsy.

I upset my family, my daughter took me to the hospital and I spent 9 days locked up while they started me on medication and provided lots of therapy. In addition to my bipolar disorder, anxiety and panic, OCD, they diagnosed me with PTSD and borderline personality disorder.

I was released on my birthday, but had to agree to at least 3 – 5 more weeks of partial hospitalization which was 5 days a week, 5 hrs per day of constant therapy. I had a lot of stuff pounded in my head. I was released from there after 3 weeks. They wanted me to continue with an intense therapy program, but none of them in the area accepted charity care so I was set up with my current therapist and a nurse to prescribe medication.

God has planted a picture in my mind to remind me what happened and what would happen again on another try and that is, of course, unless I managed to accomplish the suicide at another time.

This has brought God back into my life. Not right away, but I realize that all these years I denied him, he has been watching out for me and for that I am thankful.


About Tessa

My name is Tessa Dean and I am an author and blogger. My writing styles vary and I love writing using prompts. I am also writing my first book, a Memoir entitled "Government Property - A Memoir of a Military Wife".  This is being published on the blog rather than the traditional way. I am putting up chapters as I go along. I keep my blog filled with useful content, stories, and poems. Plenty to keep you busy. I have also been interviewed by blogs and had other posts published on many different blogs. I also wrote a series of articles on Bipolar Disorder for IBPF (International Bipolar Foundation). I am in my 60’s and disabled which allows me plenty of time to write to my heart’s content. I live in southern New Jersey and have 3 children and 5 grandchildren. My oldest grandchild is a Sargent in the United States Marine Corps.
This entry was posted in Writing Prompts and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Studio 30 Plus – prompts thankful/beholden

  1. love this picture; wound up at a place like that the other day with granddaughter and was trying to explain Jesus being up there, thought we’d talked about it before but apparently it hadn’t sunk in like seeing those did

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Meredith says:

    Your story and blog will help others to find an outlet to channel their creativity.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jannatwrites says:

    Sometimes it takes being at our lowest points and experiencing our biggest failures to finally see that God was there all along. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure pain, but am glad that you can now look to God.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Susan says:

    Good story. Very honest. I am so glad you are back on good terms with God. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tessa says:

    Reblogged this on and commented:

    This is non-fiction and belongs on Advocate for Mental Illness.


  6. jdawgswords says:

    i’m glad you survived…i was headed to prison and thought a fist full of pills would solve that problem…didn’t work…i felt so stupid the next day!!!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.