I am Beholden
By Tessa Smeigh
copyright 2015
I am beholden to God. God really was my savior. This is a true story.
3 years ago I attempted to take my life. I didn’t know how many pills and alcohol I needed so I drank a full bottle of wine and took a huge handful of pills in addition to my regular nightly load of psychiatric drugs. All I managed to do was end up groggy and super drowsy.
I upset my family, my daughter took me to the hospital and I spent 9 days locked up while they started me on medication and provided lots of therapy. In addition to my bipolar disorder, anxiety and panic, OCD, they diagnosed me with PTSD and borderline personality disorder.
I was released on my birthday, but had to agree to at least 3 – 5 more weeks of partial hospitalization which was 5 days a week, 5 hrs per day of constant therapy. I had a lot of stuff pounded in my head. I was released from there after 3 weeks. They wanted me to continue with an intense therapy program, but none of them in the area accepted charity care so I was set up with my current therapist and a nurse to prescribe medication.
God has planted a picture in my mind to remind me what happened and what would happen again on another try and that is, of course, unless I managed to accomplish the suicide at another time.
This has brought God back into my life. Not right away, but I realize that all these years I denied him, he has been watching out for me and for that I am thankful.
Tessa
love this picture; wound up at a place like that the other day with granddaughter and was trying to explain Jesus being up there, thought we’d talked about it before but apparently it hadn’t sunk in like seeing those did
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You mean a hill with crosses on it?
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well, it wasn’t a hill but it did have crosses; just hadn’t noticed them before; sometimes takes having a little one or just being in that frame of mind
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Your story and blog will help others to find an outlet to channel their creativity.
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Sometimes it takes being at our lowest points and experiencing our biggest failures to finally see that God was there all along. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure pain, but am glad that you can now look to God.
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Thank you Janna! I understand more and that the pain is there for a reason although not sure what that reason is. It is nice to see your face. Nice picture.
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Thanks Tessa- I figured after five and a half years of paranoid blogging, I could show my face, haha
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Haha girlfriend you are so funny. Hugs! and God Bless!
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Also I found that even though I denied him all those years, he was there with me anyhow.
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Good story. Very honest. I am so glad you are back on good terms with God. 🙂
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Thank you Susan. I am not all the way there, but I am working on it. This story should be on the other blog, but I wrote it for the prompt. The other blog is non-fiction mostly although I do have some that are on both blogs. I need to take some time and work on both of them. My life has changed since I started both of these blogs.
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You are a good writer and writing can give you direction. 🙂
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Thank you! My writing has led to 2 published articles on a major blog so far. I am getting ready to try to put another together with different guidelines.
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are you going to get an actual website?
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Right now I am keeping my blogs and let others post my articles. Volunteer bloggers for these websites. I can’t accept money and jeopardize my SSDI. I do post articles on my blogs too.
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Reblogged this on and commented:
This is non-fiction and belongs on Advocate for Mental Illness.
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i’m glad you survived…i was headed to prison and thought a fist full of pills would solve that problem…didn’t work…i felt so stupid the next day!!!
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I didn’t know, but I have a better idea now how many pills I need. In the hospital the inmate showed me the correct way to slice my wrist. Being in the suicide ward was entertaining. But no sadly a fistful won’t do it.
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i’m glad you learned a few things…but, well, i also hope it’s noy gonna be used…you seem really cool
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Thank you, I am cool, so are you! I am also crazy too. I am not planning on doing anything again. I just pray for strength and confide in my support people.
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that’s great
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