I am Beholden
By Tessa Smeigh
I am beholden to God. God really was my savior. This is a true story.
3 years ago I attempted to take my life. I didn’t know how many pills and alcohol I needed so I drank a full bottle of wine and took a huge handful of pills in addition to my regular nightly load of psychiatric drugs. All I managed to do was end up groggy and super drowsy.
I upset my family, my daughter took me to the hospital and I spent 9 days locked up while they started me on medication and provided lots of therapy. In addition to my bipolar disorder, anxiety and panic, OCD, they diagnosed me with PTSD and borderline personality disorder.
I was released on my birthday, but had to agree to at least 3 – 5 more weeks of partial hospitalization which was 5 days a week, 5 hrs per day of constant therapy. I had a lot of stuff pounded in my head. I was released from there after 3 weeks. They wanted me to continue with an intense therapy program, but none of them in the area accepted charity care so I was set up with my current therapist and a nurse to prescribe medication.
God has planted a picture in my mind to remind me what happened and what would happen again on another try and that is, of course, unless I managed to accomplish the suicide at another time.
This has brought God back into my life. Not right away, but I realize that all these years I denied him, he has been watching out for me and for that I am thankful.