FRIDAY FICTION with RONOVAN WRITES Prompt Challenge #11 Judy and John – The Ramones

FRIDAY FICTION with RONOVAN WRITES Prompt Challenge #11 – Judy and John – “Teenage Lobotomy” by The Ramones

Ronovan's friday badgebaby-20339_1920 (2)boab treeramones-464224_1920 (2)

Part 1 is John and Judy.

Part 2 is The Honeymoon

Part 3 is The Flight

Part 4 is The Hospital Under Siege

Part 5 is Love me Tender

Part 6 is Thanksgiving Dinner

Part 7 is The Newborn

Part 8 is Recovery From Birth

Part 9  is The Lesson

Part 10 is Surprise

Part 11 is “Teenage Lobotomy” by the Ramones

“Judy and John – Teenage Lobotomy , by the Ramones

by Teresa Smeigh January 2016

“Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy!

DDT did a job on me

Now I am a real sickie

Guess I’ll have to break the news

That I have no mind to lose

All the girls are in love with me

I’m a teenage lobotomy.”

“What is that Gina asked?”

“Mine and Johnny’s favorite song. We love The Ramones.”

“Is that Johnny?” Cindy asked.

“I am pretty sure it is and that means he has come for us. Get ready to move.”

“But we’re locked in Judy,” Cindy mentioned.

“I figured that out and so must have he.”

The girls huddled away from the door. There weren’t any windows so they couldn’t see much. There was a crash against the door and then it moved a little. Another crash and the door busted in. Some jail.

“Quick, we got them drunk and then I sung and hoped you heard me Judy. We have to move. They are not on our side. They want Boaz and don’t care about Michael. They were using us to lead them to the camp. They took the women hoping we would fall in line. Luckily they like their wine.”

Gina’s man, Carl, took her arm and started leading her off. John told the girls to leave his arms free to fire if necessary. Just follow Carl.

“Where are we going?”

“We found a cave to huddle in and make plans. I need you girls to stay in the cave and keep the pilot quiet. He got hurt in the crash. We found you some guns and Warrior as protection and some first aid equipment. You girls aren’t hurt are you?”

“No they didn’t touch us, just locked us up.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Constructive Criticism welcome!

 

Advertisements

About Tessa

Teresa (Tessa) Smeigh is now in her 60's and still going strong despite her disabilities affecting both physical and mental abilities. She has bipolar disorder (mental), Fibromyalgia (nerves), degenerative disc disease (spine), and arthritis (joints). Despite that she is active in Mental Health Advocating, writing for www.IBPF.org (volunteer for non-profit) and has 5 blog posts already published by them. She is also working on 2 fiction books (mysteries). She keeps her blog filled with useful content, daily devotionals (She is a Christian), stories and poems. Plenty to keep you busy. She has also been interviewed by blogs and had other posts published on many different blogs. She has 3 blogs so far http://www.tessacandoit.com and http://www.finallyawriter.com and http://www.sunnythoughtsandprayers.wordpress.com She is from Deptford, NJ. Her family and blogs keep her busy.
This entry was posted in Fiction, Friday Fiction with Ronovan Writes, Ronovan Writes, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to FRIDAY FICTION with RONOVAN WRITES Prompt Challenge #11 Judy and John – The Ramones

  1. Ronovan says:

    After the song, I think identifying the speakers might make it easier to follow the conversation. I know the first speaker is Gina, and although Judy hasn’t called John by the name Johnny before, I did pick up that she was next. One thing I think you might want to try is something called an action beat, rather than using the dialogue tags too often.

    Let’s use “But we’re locked in Judy,” Cindy mentioned. as an example.

    Cindy stared at the door they were forced into upon arriving at the camp. “But we’re locked in.”

    Not the best redo of a sentence but it gets the point across.
    Notice I didn’t use Judy’s name here. In conversation, we don’t always use the other person’s name. At times you might need to in order to keep the reader on the right track as to who is speaking and involved in the conversation, but a great deal of the time you won’t need to.

    One last thing, don’t rush your scene. The challenge may be for a certain word count, but develop your scenes a little more. This is the first time we’ve seen them in this situation, more character development could come out of these situations. You don’t have to move to John showing up so quickly. Ignore my prompt if it doesn’t work for you and write. Link to the challenge anyway. 🙂

    Like

    • Tessa says:

      I really appreciate the criticism believe me. I haven’t done serious writing much over the last 40 years. Although I am doing pretty well with the research and articles I write on Bipolar and are published on http://www.ibpf.org. They get better with practice. I have 6 published so far.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ronovan says:

    In addition, the grammar and the like were good. 🙂
    I think this was the only real thing that might have been off.
    “What is that Gina asked?”
    I think it might was to be, “What is that?” Gina asked.

    Like

  3. Pingback: Friday Fiction with Ronovan Writes Prompt #11 Entries: THE LINKS | ronovanwrites

  4. Pingback: Featured Bloggers 2/9/16: Networking 101 | Dream Big, Dream Often

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s